dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
