You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
