If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
