You just made me feel so damn special
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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