the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
