Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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