just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
