Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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