our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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