Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
