UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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