I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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