The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
