see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize