took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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