some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
