I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
