Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
