I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Boobs speak an international language.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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