i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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