Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
