I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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