Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
