i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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