i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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