i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
