Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
