i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
