I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
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