the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
