i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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