Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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