i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
