Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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