he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
