I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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