a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
