stop calling my apartment porn island.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you had me at cake vodka
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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