no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
