i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
