you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
