Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
