Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
