i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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