clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
