saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!