I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
