Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
