i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
