he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
