Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
