If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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