Don't you send me to vm
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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