Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You made out with two different species that night
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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