he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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