my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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