I cannot find my penis.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
