totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
